bears for hugs.

2011-10-20T18:30:00.004-04:00

That night the earth seized upon her skeleton:
the brass bed frame – a collapsed mattress,
a mass of

[heaved &
twisted.]

Contorted, her teeth crumpled against
each other. Speckled bits of blood appeared on the
floral pillowcase.

This unprecedented motion caused
her fits of rage, as well as clenched fists.

And the earth
grieved gregariously – its appetite diminished.

Book for Sale

2011-05-07T20:06:00.003-04:00

I realize I never update my blogs anymore, so probably no one is actually following me/ reading these posts anymore, but I just finished my thesis project for my Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Creative Writing.... SO, here is a link if you would like to purchase a copy. It is approximately 60pgs long, contains poetry, prose, and full color photographs (besides the ones that are from black & white film, that is). I know it is a little bit pricey, but it is very expensive to print in all color - I am only making about a $1.25 profit per book.
THANKS. xo.
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/let/15660473

2010-06-30T23:30:00.001-04:00

2010-06-11T01:30:00.002-04:00

NERVES/
NERVOUS.

notes; new & old.

2010-06-07T19:39:00.004-04:00

i'm thirsty, too.

2010-04-29T10:50:00.007-04:00

(this photo was taken by my mother. finlie loves the tub.) the semester is painfully ending; i am excited for the summer & will try and update my blog(s) a bit more regularly. hopefully i will also be getting nasal surgery, & thus will be able to breathe again. this will make (my) life better, i think.

cont.

2010-02-26T00:08:00.004-05:00

iii.
i keep all of your kisses
on the back of my tongue.
to taste you slightly,
when hunger strikes;
softly

iv.
you say,
let's sleep naked tonight -
just to see what happens.

excerpts

2010-02-18T21:46:00.006-05:00

i.
tomorrow, wearing
twelve gray hairs
you will not
feel inclined to
hold me anymore.

ii.
you used to use me just to
keep your secrets quiet.

iii.
i keep all of your kiss
es on the back of my
tongue. taste you like
a shadow talks with
feet. i keep you be
neath me; be near me.

iv.
you say,
let's sleep naked tonight,
maybe something will
occur as a result of neigh
boring skins. quite quaint.

v.
but, somehow i manage to keep
my socks on; the walls are cold.

resolutions?

2010-01-09T16:51:00.010-05:00

usually i am not one to make new years resolutions. however, as it is not only a new year, but a new decade as well, i feel it is a good time to attempt new beginnings. a new decade makes me feel uncomfortable. it is only a mark of time within society, so i suppose i could just ignore it. is it tangible? these days tangibility is always escaping me. hopefully posting some of these thoughts on my blog will help me remind me what i am trying to achieve for my personal state of mind and mentality.

for 2010: i will be on time. not just to class, but everywhere. maybe i will even be early. i will sleep fewer hours during the day. i will make a conscious effort to use spare time more effectively. i will be more passionate about my classes. i will work on creative endeavors at my own pace, and i will accomplish them. i will exercise moderately; hopefully this will make me more mentally alert and less lethargic. hopefully. i will try not to let the actions of others so actively effect my emotions. i will try to be more independent. i will try to be less obsessive of selective people, but instead i will try to meet more people and attempt to enjoy socializing. i will make an effort to minimize my anxiety.

i will try to be less needy. i am sorry for needing you.

melanoma

2009-11-20T23:01:00.006-05:00

that day we watched the seagulls steal our lunch.
by the bay by the beach
claire says, be careful of the sun.
where it tries to intervene:
melanoma
helpless, you swallowed your laughter as
my eyes became damp over the loss of a sandwich.
your windows:
a lack of screens or shutters
zip-lock bags were no match for beaks.
a bouquet of tastes: a sample of this coming winter
instead,
we collected sea glass along the shoreline,
primarily in the hue of roses.
and the wind is like the wind
in most places
it wasn’t until later that we learned of the sewage being drained into the ocean.
home smells of every memory, i am the last to admit
but, i suppose, where did we think the waste was going, after all?
and your bed is like the beds
in most places,
please keep your sorrows buried under your tongue.
though perhaps it creaks a little more
if this lingers for too long.

2009-09-23T21:31:00.002-04:00

thought that i saw you, it was just someone else. why do

we search for what we search for what we search for what.

the principle of the matter being: you left me waiting.

2009-09-13T12:04:00.000-04:00

2009-09-05T00:10:00.003-04:00

now i am in chicago.
i just don't know.

2009-08-17T19:06:00.002-04:00

probably we should actually not be friends,
because i will just end up sleeping with you and you
will just stop returning my phone calls.

new blog

2009-08-16T22:37:00.004-04:00

an update for anyone passing by: there is a new blog i have created (what we had for breakfast), which will feature primarily photography (there will be photos there very, very soon). whereas, this blog will continue with writing & other endeavors.

2009-08-11T01:22:00.001-04:00

it would be a nice idea to curl up inside of your sweater.

A PHOTO POST FOR KYLE

2009-08-04T01:09:00.013-04:00

2009-07-17T15:32:00.001-04:00

some days all we can do is recite nineties pop lyrics to express our love.

2009-07-10T14:34:00.004-04:00

the last one: the first boy i meet online. wait, no. he was the first boy i met on an dating website. rail thin and my height. we both have long legs. my limbs are always cold in bed and he says: why am i dating an icicle? we spoon and it feels perfect. we sleep for three weeks - maybe four. i tell him i am self-conscious. i have little-to-no-self-esteem. he says it is okay, he will reassure me of everything that needs reassuring. he has a bashful cat. there are a lot of things in left he is angry about, maybe, i think. he tells me in bed that i am too quiet and i blush. a lot. next week he says, i think we can sleep in our own beds tonight. he doesn't call again.

2009-07-10T14:30:00.003-04:00

potentially early is the time my body talks to yours:
where do we cross the street?
where can we cross the street?
i forget how to recognize strangers.

1,2,3

2009-07-05T21:30:00.005-04:00

2009-06-29T23:25:00.000-04:00

if you still asked me, i would still say, "yes."

2009-06-28T00:28:00.001-04:00

can't stop biting my lips.

2009-06-25T01:02:00.002-04:00

you haven't showered in a few days. i like your gray hairs. hopefully you are not allergic to peanuts, because i just ate some (of the honey-roasted variety) and now i am feeling rather inclined to kiss you. today was a pink-sky day. then the moon (that was full) turned yellow. i made wishes. and missed the colors once they faded.

my mother says i am irrational and this is not true.

2009-06-12T21:25:00.002-04:00

move away from your ghosts, beautiful. if we pretend to be in love, it will make us feel better, though. footsteps fleet briefly, darling.

me: but can't you just pretend?
you: but i don't want to lie to you.
me: but can't you just pretend?

note to self to seek sleep.

2009-06-12T21:06:00.002-04:00

a person as pure as
numbers on a clock repeating
the human condition:
short-lived innocence.

take drugs. sleep easy.
breathe easy. between
brief facades/waves of dreams.

"i wish i were rich with god."
(i wonder what made the man in the
white suit appear on bedford to tell me
jesus loves me. how empty must my
stare appear.)

when i am warm, stoned, & surprised to see you.

read to you in bed: "i want to make you full again."

to strangle noise & find quiet.
rest against your neck.

(but to hold you softly in the safety of
my arms would have been too simple.)

i watch you leave.

windows/balcony.

2009-05-17T22:39:00.006-04:00

spring happened:
much like your touch
left me
feeling empty, always.
left my gray limbs,
left my phantom friend,
folded on the floor.
a pile, a pile -
of stitches to your throat.
you are the voice box from my home.
cornered on the couch:
(yes) i tried to kiss the truth
right from your lips. savor each lie.

(one strike, one miss)

we are aging,
graceless.

2009-04-22T16:53:00.001-04:00

i lost sight of the shoreline.

2009-04-20T23:17:00.003-04:00

i lost sight; sight: you. are a sleeping sea. garden growing between bricks' mortar. dandelion seeds i forget to sew grow within the morning's border. dry: we are a desert's silence over breakfast. & i am matter. doesn't matter. searching for a savior, you will not find one here: all i wanted was to lie next to you, but you did not want me there: building castles as you sleep.

2009-04-19T00:46:00.001-04:00

you: you are my everything.
me: i am your disappointment.

close to home: the wind she sings your melancholy.

2009-03-21T21:07:00.000-04:00

2009-02-13T23:52:00.003-05:00

me: i want to hold you forever.
you: oh.
me: until my arms hurt.
you: oh... that's weird. kind of.
me: oh.
you:
me: sorry.

this is on a similar winter day, (un)distinguishable from all the others.

2009-02-08T19:07:00.004-05:00

the snow,
piled up above his brow
leaks lines upon his
leather loafers.

coffee streaks down my blouse, i missed my mouth.

stains. "i bought a new slip today,"
to impress you in, she says. all but
ruined by wrinkles now -
the cat slept upon it.

impossible to arouse anger, however,
(such a beast of innocence).

locked glance across the street.
go home, slide off shoes, puddles
below your toes, surely.
peel your clothes of gauze off;
drape by heater.

(hopefully the furnace is working today).

jealous of the, longing for the
love we used to, brush
against you. have now
m e r e l y o n l y j e a l o u s y:
skin we used to know.

2009-01-25T17:24:00.003-05:00

child, the halo above your head has slipped.
no longer the portraits once framed by our parents:
cracked knuckles, clutched fingers,
carefully curled body.
the back row of a chinatown bus where eternally
i hope to find your outline
back from boston.
time stutters, you mutter nothings of
somethings. (please)
do not make whispers of me to that boy's ear.
a l w a y s n e r v o u s
you liked my dress & i
seduced you with my glasses on.

now you are just a heavy memory.

2009-01-16T19:45:00.000-05:00

what took you so long to get here.

2009-01-06T00:04:00.005-05:00

the mind sweats a coma:
charred from sunday's
pink sunset, four in the
afternoon. disguised as
sleeping corpses. i do
not know if this blindness
is imaginary. cracked
bones & plaque teeth,
you are confusing your
senses, darling, tasting
what is meant for eyes.
i am vomiting up the
flesh of our children;
what took you so long to get here?

2009-01-06T00:02:00.000-05:00

2008-12-22T00:54:00.002-05:00

nothing close to: the meaning of your gesture. a safe haven to reach in sleep, no longer. still tired in bed, the cat bites my toes. i forget to wear socks. forgetting to remember, i am forever forgetting to remember: my new square pills. the first in this exotic shape. we are no longer safe awake. i cried after sex again. you did not bother to undress me, but still i am so cold.

please leave.

2008-12-11T00:59:00.002-05:00

2008-11-17T02:58:00.004-05:00

place three pairs plus one please an extra pair wool socks on: for we shall go ice skating. pale winter moon crescent moon fall moon. but now too many socks the skates don't fit. also i do not actually now how to iceskate anyway. but thanks for the invitation. maybe my feet will stay warm now. you, however. i think you are in need of a a few more pairs. socks at this altitude this evning, wool preferably. ... maybe we can just be sheep this winter. whole bodies of wool we will be bodies of warmth. in warmth when we make love i wish we purred as cats instead of producing such awkward sounds. this winter we will maybe even make love with our wool socks on we will have such cold feet no longer. ... dripping discoloration the snow is dirty new york dirty everything is a winter bruise. in the shower i want to give you more teeth to neck bruises you will like them i promise i swear when we make love in the shower in the winter in wool socks, even, probably. ... socks in the shower in the winter. wet kisses okay if the water's warm enough for winter warmer weather winter oh. i am alone in these socks now. and they became somehow wet.

quote; stig dagerman

2008-11-16T23:40:00.002-05:00

"nothing is as beautiful as the first few moments alone with someone who might love one and someone whom one might love. there is nothing as quiet as those minutes, nothing so saturated with sweet expectancy. it is for the sake of those few minutes that one loves, not the many that follow."

2008-10-29T22:06:00.006-04:00

let's dress our best & move home for the winter. hibernation vacation. wear a tie, we'll both slip on loafers. wrapped in wool. hide in bed. we'll dream of snow, but not the cold. under covers we'll recover for the spring. we'll peer outside the windows. we won't miss a thing. we can outline one another with our arms.
just remember, i am allergic to down, we will need an artificial comforter.

2008-10-17T11:51:00.000-04:00

cocoon.

2008-10-11T23:44:00.003-04:00

2008-09-29T22:33:00.001-04:00

he ruined her for pleasure.

2008-09-29T01:30:00.002-04:00

delicate: we did not
notice the contours anymore.
we are all but
characters from a bible,
lost amongst interpretation.
your body:
sworn to secrecy.
don't say anything with words.
what we're after is not
delicate, & i would follow you all day
for what we're after.
an empty subway seat between us.

2008-09-10T16:54:00.001-04:00

head is momentarily attached before it disposes of itself onto the floor.
brain is momentarily functioning before it remembers its need for ssri's.
insides are momentarily outsides; attempted digestion in the trash can.

2008-09-10T16:44:00.000-04:00

2008-09-07T19:10:00.001-04:00

2008-08-30T06:01:00.000-04:00

2008-08-18T00:44:00.006-04:00

my mother yells at me can't not yell at me:
"stop acting like a child," i tell her.
"you stop acting like a child," she shrieks back.
"but i am your child,"
i reply.

oh.

trttrh teeth teefhf teetht.

2008-08-12T19:15:00.002-04:00

sweet yet haunting are the secrets set between your teeth.
in the morning the tea kettle is either a singing bird or a dying bird.
both, perhaps.
your molars are everything we forgot to learn in ms. metcalf's earth science class.
searching for signs of life within your face.

2008-08-07T23:25:00.000-04:00

chew

2008-08-06T22:17:00.008-04:00

don't kiss me in public.
don't kiss me in public.
don't kiss me in public.

after our shower we
cry on the couch.
exchange fluids, while
my mother looks at
the bills for chronic

pregnancy tests.

heartbroken could be
better described than
a mouth full of paxil.

don't kiss me.

stop hammering nails into my skull.

2008-08-02T19:03:00.003-04:00

if for once we prayed, "hallelujah," good morning: it would sound like goodmorning, goodmorning, goodmorning. today, you speak of lions to your pillow. prior, your pillow a hymn of sorts, a psalm of sound. today you pray, "hallelujah," the day leaves its womb. falsify your enemies, darling. amen, amen.

2008-08-02T19:01:00.001-04:00

you: i can't be what makes you happy.
me:
you:
me: why?
you: because i can't be there for you...
me:
you:
me: don't worry, you're not.

Obama Shirts.

2008-07-31T16:50:00.004-04:00

my obama shirts are finally available! they will be for sale at Ferdinand in portland, maine; and at Olive's in brunswick, maine. also! they are now available in my etsy shop. more monsters will be arriving soon as well. click to buy!

HAVE YOU SEEN ME?

2008-07-30T23:30:00.002-04:00

one of my campers.

2008-07-18T22:26:00.002-04:00

2008-07-08T22:37:00.001-04:00

yay, i have mono.

2008-07-02T21:06:00.001-04:00

here is part of what i wrote in that class before i dropped it.

2008-06-27T21:45:00.002-04:00

you try to be invasive in the way you slide your fingers to the tips of my toes. or SHOES rather. you stroke the vintage leather loafers: cow hide covered feet.

the ends of my legs: the tree stump to my body. you are my boyfriend's bestfriend. maybe. you are my bestfriend's boyfriend. ("incest") you were,

"STOP TOUCHING MY SHOES." we are portland on a soggy day. we are sinking into a bestfriend's couch. statefunded house we are a raining day in portland. yesterday: we tripped over cobblestones. slippery, quickly, you picked me up.

"your hands are not that soft."
but i let you use mine anyway.
you use them.

to attempt the invasion of my wet loafers, with pennies. today you are my boyfriend's not-
bestfriend. today you say that i am not wearing penny loafers.
correct, sir.
"i am not wearing penny loafers."

despite your prodding efforts, i am not wearing penny loafers.
i am not even wearing loafers.
i am not even.

i am sockless, wet feet. less than feet.
my not-boyfriend said i have
"perfect hands," but you are
not a friend and you are not a
and they are of no
use to you.

CAMP IS

2008-06-27T21:32:00.003-04:00

full of cute little kids who give me the flu.

2008-06-13T00:45:00.002-04:00

this summer i am interning at ferdinand.
ferdinand is fun.
www.ferdinandhomestore.com
the real store is much cuter
& is currently selling my snuggle monsters, which makes me exploding excited.
love.

2008-06-07T13:05:00.009-04:00

2008-05-28T02:40:00.002-04:00

until we met at your hospital bed,
i knew not of the feeling of leather: your hands.
one no longer in association with the brain, the other dry & red, pulp. overripe, perhaps.
nonetheless, my feeble & smaller hands attempt closeness.
try to oil yours, now out of order.

it never occurred to me until this hospital exchange of touch that i would look back six years ago to a distinct time you yelled racial slurs to a japanese tourist visiting the pearl harbor memorial site as a
high point in your
life. you were
so alive and angry.

you were
fury you
were fury
you were.

when my father is cooking breakfast

2008-05-24T14:57:00.004-04:00

certain times of day everything smells of sex. after the morning when we are virgins the church claims and reclaims us. after the morning when we are children blessed and blessed once again by prayer. as thieves we pray for a noise other than that of my father cooking breakfast in the room beneath us. on top of my mattress the condoms hide
underneath it.

heartt.

2008-05-24T14:54:00.001-04:00

2008-05-18T03:28:00.005-04:00

i wish i knew what you are like when you are in love, because the way you are right now, you are one of the most beautiful people i know.

2008-05-14T13:57:00.004-04:00

2008-05-13T19:44:00.002-04:00

new kitten.

fun nights

2008-05-09T03:54:00.001-04:00

sarah dear i meant to give this to you before we parted ways but forgot in midst of all the hubbub: love, bridge

2008-05-06T00:04:00.001-04:00

2008-05-06T00:01:00.000-04:00

new hamster baby

2008-05-04T17:45:00.002-04:00

elsa fancy dwarf baby hamster.

2008-05-01T13:05:00.004-04:00

on the ice caps we consume dead polar bears on the ice caps. you lay claim to the fire: on the ice caps. i will call you from california. pink petal snowfall spring air piece by piece, unfinshed slowly i breathe you in to my arms. shifting feet on the tectonic plates, sitting at the breakfast table. breakfast we've forgotten. soon, we've soon forgotten. carefully, we taste today you lay claim to the fire. and thus, we both vouch on disappearance . our sneakers melt our bodies boil. we reclaim our freezers and our neighbor's freezer's and our neighbor's neighbor's freezers. even the ice trays. we will not disappear in the fire. TECTONIC PLATES SAN ANDRES FAULT LINE OUR SNEAKERS SHIFT UNTIL WE LIE BAREFOOT a metaphor across the country: and i will call you when i get to california.

2008-04-23T00:13:00.002-04:00

this is me finishing my english project, and bridget taking a picture.
she took many other photos and put many much makeup on my face.
if you read, i love you bridget. hug.

2008-04-21T02:08:00.003-04:00

deep thinking for two in the ai em: drunk bike rides evoke sensations of summer. today i went to a shit "flea" market in brooklyn, but ate ice cream via ice cream truck. the bathroom smells like hamster, which makes no sense because the hamster is in this room, and hamster doesn't even smell. why, bathroom, why? this drawing is crooked because i am drunk and will not make it un-crooked. farewell and goodnight.

eve leaves her abode,

2008-04-14T21:24:00.002-04:00

why must we touch as strangers:
abrupt & frightened.
& where is eden now,
in your top dresser drawer, or
in the bible beneath your pillow ?
its pages yellowed by nervous fingers.
warning lingers in your touch. broken
knuckles. brush, blow my collar
bone. a duet in nose & neck.
a lesson in noise: mute truth.
you: there is not enough of me left to
give to you.

2008-04-06T23:16:00.003-04:00

2008-04-06T09:49:00.006-04:00

yesterday was a day filled with visiting bunnies & kittens at petco. also perhaps a trip to IKEA in NEW JERSEY which was rather excellent. i wished to take many small snuggle friends home, but i am still happy with hamster. i have not been writing enough at all recently which is making me feel useless & unproductive but i just sit here drinking tea & on & on. the school year is almost over. this makes me scared.

word montage from my brain for the page.

2008-04-01T20:52:00.003-04:00

2008-03-31T09:02:00.006-04:00

1989. this makes me wish my dad & i got along better.

2008-03-26T23:24:00.011-04:00

the old house
black & white but sunflower walls
for summer. from my dreams: cat sleeps in a dresser drawer the roof screams company. most nights do not bless me with dreams. when i dream, i dream the old house. where my father graced, where my mother prayed. in the old house.
(picket fence, picket fence, picket fence.)

was the old house.

2008-03-24T23:52:00.003-04:00

dear _______,
i really like you; is that okay?
i can't fall asleep because all i do is think about you.
love, _______.

family love

2008-03-23T12:24:00.002-04:00

germany, circa 1997.

2008-03-14T21:35:00.004-04:00

an easy fuck snow is to march as skin is to touch as salt is to roads as hands are to hold as mind is to maine as miss is to strain as words are to home as we are prone as we are prone as chaste is to chase as stop is to wait as eyes meant to see as you are to me.

. . .

i am so sick of myself.

2008-03-14T21:33:00.002-04:00

beauty is found when you are around. kyle says that emily says to stop talking about jesse. "it's sad," he says she says. "i know," i say.

2008-03-13T22:40:00.004-04:00

love, love, love. emily & kitten.

it may have been the strawberries

2008-03-13T11:24:00.008-04:00

acidic by nature
a war of intestines:
that sounds delicious.

vacation is a body sick
in bed. yellow walls are
plotting out desire.

the desire of my
sister's scarf around
my neck. she is in

spain, and thus does not
notice. anti-biotics
disintegrate in my body.

i listen to pj harvey.
the morning is over, i
can not keep my eyes open.

[edit, edit] simon joyner pt. I & II

2008-03-09T15:02:00.013-04:00

SHE ONLY BUYS THE SIMON JOYNER
CD BECAUSE HE TELLS HER SIMON
JOYNER SOUNDS LIKE CONNOR
OBERST. lying in bed together, she

thinks of these two far away men as
he fucks
her. "please be gentle for
i am fragile" she asks of him.
"i think it may be sexual dysfunction"
he questions: "no, it's just depression"
she responds. far away.

she cannot stop thinking
about simon joyner. she
cannot stop thinking about
simon joyner she cannot stop
"why are you not being gentle?"
she whispers

"beacause you are not fragile." he replies.

...

through the garden, without
eden in the backyard i wander
in. the back door. cats sleep
under the pine bushes. i let the
sticky summer in. i let the sticky
summer in your house. you play
simon joyner on the record player.
up in your room where i let the
sticky summer sneak in. sneak in.

something i have lost/loved &
shall never return: MORNING
kisses, summer skin. morning
kisses: please be gentle, for i am
fragile." you are gentle you are
gentle you are gentle you are.

you only like simon joyner
because he sounds like leonard
cohen. my last piece of mind: you
mock sophistication. my last
piece of home: you were.
gentle, please.

2008-03-06T08:51:00.001-05:00

your face is made of words, your lips: punctuation. our souls; imagine: the color gray.

monsters.

2008-03-03T21:18:00.010-05:00

2008-03-01T14:34:00.003-05:00

me: you: you can fuck me, but you can't love me. me:

today i feel ___.

2008-02-28T15:53:00.003-05:00

ps, this.

2008-02-27T18:55:00.002-05:00

i am needing to snuggle-dance with you.

[edit] when they all made war

2008-02-27T18:50:00.000-05:00

they skinned the trees of bark of blood "there are not enough" branches to blanket the dead, cover the earth. our feet speak with the foliage bodies in the street. “there are not enough” hands, clean the deceased.

[edit ] you say you want to be a folk singer.

2008-02-25T20:39:00.001-05:00

i regret we missed the canal street train we did not catch the skyline bright with what we wish to have and what we do not wish to have. turn over in bed. you say i am allowed to kiss you even on the lips as long as it helps me to fall asleep tonight we use “platonic” in all the wrong places.

etsy etsy etsy

2008-02-22T18:28:00.004-05:00

sarahbearrr.etsy.com

there is no

2008-02-21T15:49:00.008-05:00

feeling to this summer in february. the plant that promised good karma & salvation, died during christmas vacation. you were too far away to hear it. the newest revelation returns hands & palms to righteous owners. psalms we repeat to replenish the smooth of bodies the soft of souls. old. we are far younger than we pretend to be, older than we would wish to be if we still believed in wishes. cold. we kiss on a strictly business basis. but now you are too far away to face it. time turns us to stone. (for gavin).